meaningless persuit and mindless self indulgence
people are unhappy and self destructive, they just don't care about the world around themselves. it seems like they have nothing to live for. i don't either, and when depressed will indulge in meaningless moments of 'happiness'. do humans require something to keep them grounded, anchored to reality? we are pretty simple creatures, how did we create so much, have everything yet stop striving for the future? do we live in a world that we do not belong in?
people use 'nuance' as a method to justify some of the most heainous acts. it seems they also use 'nuance' to justify wasting away. it seems like total bs to believe in 'nuance'. its something i want to go against, but have not done so yet.
how did we get here? the ideas and thoughts that brought us so far, are not of the same mind. the brain has changed, different patterns formed. we think we are doing the same when in reality are doing the opposite. manipulating our selves into the darkness. humans are collectively drowning themselves and have normalized it in mass.
questioning oneself and others seems to be a counter move, is the path to true happiness beaten through self discovery?
2pm, Tuesday, March 9, 2021
silence is calm.
it may be an alien concept to most people, but i get overwelmed by sound. i take comfort in quiet environments where the only thing i have is the ambiant noise. trees swaying in the wind, cars driving past on the street, the hum of my craptop's fan and hard drive, the taps on the membrane keyboard, click of the mouse, my feet hitting the ground and pushing off again, wind in my ears and hair, the pound of my heart. they reassure my existance. my "parents" have an addiction to television and radio, they can't live without it, and are going deaf because of it. i have to turn up the punk to block out the hellscape of eargrating waves. it hurts myself but is the only way i can escape. today both "parents" are gone, and was greeted by a quiet house, i read a couple chapters of a book by an author that is a game dev, that was once a youtuber & streamer i used to watch. it felt good reading with the only noise being the bird's songs, my mind flowed freely.
i once almost fainted from noise, it was during marchingband when i was a sophmore in highschool. we were on the field, going through one of our songs, some of my positions brought me up to the front by the metronome speaker. it was loud, like getting punched in the face loud. it made me nausious, i had almost fainted while marching on our last run through of the song before we took a break.
another oddity of mine is that i struggle to discriminate individual sounds in a chaotic noise environment. probably an odd concept for to whoever reads this.
i always watch anime before i go and sleep, i keep the audio low, and i will only watch it after my "parents" have finally turned off the tv and gone to bed. 20 hours of torture is kinda ridiculous. anyways, watching anime without the background noise helps me relax enough so i can sleep.
i have trouble relaxing with noise.
1am, Wednesday, January 13, 2021
i created my first 88x31px button for my site!!! (i actually created it back in november...). sadly it is not animated, couldn't create anything that'd fit well. i believe i started creating it bc of yobun... wait, the last time i modified it was a few days before yobun emailed me... lol. it's like fate was guiding me. you can find the link to their site on the pile o buttons page. my button is based on the miku artwork i made a long while ago, i made it into pixel art, and i used the background of my main pages as the background for the button. the text was made in ms paint. and i did most of the art in graphicsgale, but graphics gale isn't all that good. its good enough i guess.
i recently finished the anime "the vision of escaflowne" and will soon begin on a shrine for it and "girl's last tour" when i get in the mood to make them. escaflowne is a really good anime from the 90s, the story action and romance work together really well. and some moments really felt so intense as every part of me rejected some the actions of the characters.
i think one thing to help myself learn to self expression (is that a sentence?), is creating those two anime shrimes, as i am really passionate about these anime. (might do a few for some other series if i feel like it)
AH! i just realised i created the page for girl's last tour on the anime portion! i want to make the shrine for the manga!
it's now 2021, its revenge of the roaring 20s everyone, this decade is just getting started! btw i called it back on new years of 2019-2020!
2am, Sunday, December 13, 2020
something i want to learn how to do, is express myself.
not sure what methods i will be chosing to do so, but i think i might do art, and might try my hand at writing, or poetry or something.
that's kind of an odd thing for me, i have terrible reading comprehension, and when i do say things, people don't understand them. is my brain just wired differently from others? i can definitely tell that their is some sort of disconnect from me and other people, i like lack some sort of common sense that everyone else has.
somthing that tends to bother me is that people say im smart or intelegent. im really not. i wish i was, i wish i didn't need to pound my head into a wall to understand some high level concepts that are really simple. and certain things im incapable of understanding. its quite frustrating,
trying to learn how to express myself i think will help me a lot, but i dont think its possible. i just want to escape the endless rivers of tears that i have created throughout my entire life.
2am, Tuesday, November 17, 2020
its been a while.i kinda want to create things but im not sure what sort of things i should create.
i should definitely try to create more, i've seen some sites disapear due to inactivity, at least as early as two months ago. yikes! i really liked some of those sites. cri...
lately i've been making mods for a game (not sure if i want to connect my neocities life with this community yet so wont link atm). i think i mentioned the game back in june. i've been working on a texturepack mod as the game is text based and black/white so it's nice to use comic sans as the font and add colors to everything. the mod isn't that simple but you get the gist of it. also been doing some bots, nothing serious as what i used to do with this game, it is not enjoyable to be constantly managing a bot that occasionally has issues.
i stopped drawing again, but recently picked up pencil sketches and freehanding pen again. im very on and off with art. i wish i wasn't. some of the stuff i've drawn is alright, not great, but better than nothing. i want to wor towards a more stylized look, but my best drawing end up being the ones i put the least thought into, or the ones i draw in the moment. i cant allocate tons of planning something and have it come out good.
i have been watching some certain magical index and a certain scientific railgun. index feels really awful, i get very little emersion into the show, and the story is kinda meh. railgun is character driven, and does pretty decent world building. also with it they go all out with the fights that seem to be bound by actual physics laws of the world. they feel grounded while having fun going all out. kinda like avatar the last airbender. i've also started watching a bit of futurama. just rewatched hellsing ultimate abridged, it has surprisingly good writing and flows well. btw hype train for the new animaniacs reboot!!!
time for some politics, so if you can't handle it, don't lynch me, move on with your life. people, have been doing horrible things, things that weren't really a thing that long ago. but then again what do i know this is the first time i've been legally allowed to vote (because of age which i will not be stating here even though it doesn't really matter). people have been as of lately, OPENLY harrasing, attacking others, discriminating based on differing opinions, and dehumanizing anyone that is not with them. why? what does it achieve? that's not how you get people to side with you. for me, it makes me just want to not be like you as much as possible, going punk i guess (btw jazz punk fusion is awesome < 3 !!!). i don't like either political party, they both are doing bad shit. another serious problem that is spreading is that people blindly trust everything they read on the internet. if you truely believed in science, you'd question everything, and do your own research. you'd even question yourself and the things you believe in, because if you don't keep yourself in check, how do you know that you are not the bad guy?
gawd this was a long blog post. this will prob be the most i will ever say on politics here.
i've been getting sleep and have am working at an alright job (even though i was gone for a month because i caught covid), two very big steps for me. will see you guys next time i open up neocities, assuming i haven't been consumed with depression.
3am, Thursday, July 16, 2020
umm started doing digital art again somewhat, trying to experiment, might get around to drawing skull, prob not, idk. started watching yona of the dawn, itz alright, the switch between past present and future is really jarring, bad writing/directing i guess.
rip Grant Imahara, my favorite killer robot maker.
something that sucks about how technology has progressed is that if you don't have it, you are socially locked away. "pay 2 win" would probably be a good term for it. but whatevs i guess, i've had trouble socializing forever, back before social media completely took over, somethings prob wrong with me.
just my insane sleep deprived ramblinsgs...
8pm, Tuesday, June 16, 2020
on the home page i added a way to get to the music page. you scroll down and click on the "ya like jazz" text, it'll play an audio file that i clipped from the "final" splatoon corocoro dub team livestream, that stream was unfortunately deleted. we were memeing around bc the stream dragged on for several hours longer than it should have lol. definitely gonna draw the character skull from the comic and have him pop up when you click on it, when i get around to it eventually. will also make a larger gif button sometime for the music page that is more obvious.
9pm, Monday, June 15, 2020
been playing a bit of minecraft, foxes are adorable. kangaroo kao game is fun. a game that i was following the development of has gotten released, fricken afk puzzle text-based adventure mmo game. lots of fun though, i killed one of the legendary ogs early in the start, got "hentai" onto the first leaderboard refresh of the release lol. im not gonna play it actively though, lots of grind is boring, might try to snipe the final puzzle though >:D. uhh binged avatar last airbender, drew on paper for the first time ina while, i drew toph beifong. toph is best buff man.
sorry just wanted to talk about some fun stuff a little, don't really have anyone to talk to.
focus & motivation
i have so much trouble staying focused on tasks. if i do get focused on a task, i can keep at it but once i get destracted it gets dropped. my motivation burns out quickly, often times i don't even have the motivation to start a task. once i start on something i literally have to finish it in that one session otherwise i risk not doing any more on it. i don't get how other people are so determined, i wish i could be. it feels like i straight up avoid things that i want/need to do sometimes. could something be wrong with me?
10pm, Tuesday, May 19, 2020
my brain isn't working, cant do anyhing creative, trying, cant...
i cant draw outside of mspaint, brain doesn't fn correctly.
been playing a bit of minecraft
2am, Friday, April 3, 2020
2am, Wednesday, April 1, 2020
just did a massive content update for the site! ^w^
lots of new features i think you guys will enjoy :D
i cant wait for you guys to see all the cool stuff i added, i haven't done such a big update to the site in a long time.
also my favorite minecraft server just shut down permanently... cri
1pm, Monday, Feb. 24, 2020
been kinda burnt out atm. you'll probably just see small updates here and there adding more content to pages.
i'll get back to it when motivation strikes.
i've been getting site-id trades ^w^, some of the sites people make are really cool.
working on an animation! it's gonna be about 2 seconds long. it would have been finished in one day if it wasn't for me comming across a bug that was first discovered in krita back in 2017. i spent hours thinking something was wrong with animation playback, nah just a bug with one of the tools i was using. i'll finish the animation soon, regardless.
3pm, Wednesday, Feb. 12, 2020
i've joined site-id tcg, the cards look amazing!
i might try and do some trading (says me being afraid of talking to people).
1am, Monday, Feb. 10, 2020
the art page is lookin good, also got some jazz on the music page.
im probably at some point soon focus on making the manga section, the series i think i might start with are "girls last tour", "the flowersof evil", "a lolipop or a bullet", "bitter virgin"
3 of those are quite dark and disgusting
i often feel like restructuring the design of the site to allow for more decorative styles...
2am, Sunday, Feb. 9, 2020
began active work on the art page of my site. will have drawins and things there that i have publicly posted on the internet. also stemming from there will be a future page that discusses where i stole gifs from so if people want to use them they can.
if someone were to look at the css of how i change the color of the links on this blog page they'd cringe, i should set up more fancy css things
8pm, Tuesday, Feb. 4, 2020
created an improved music player, deployed it onto the future music page.
it has intentionally low quality sadboi hour songs on it.
nothing by sisyfuss
distance by shiey
the pain of my life by jane reynolds virtual bird
i'll add more songs in the future.
also, that copyright thing in the footer is for 2019, it's 2020, i think i'll leave it for a while.
9pm, Monday, Feb. 3, 2020
globalgamejam2020 was quite fun, made a mess of a game, i handled art for the game.
wont link it though, that'd involve doxxing myself.
did a minor update to the anime and manga pages, still no content.
added the sound player from the experimental page to the blog page (bottom left corner).
10pm, Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2020
so yeah, itz the new year. #revengeOfTheRoaring20sElectricBoogaloo
i've been kinda dead mentally. but im back after a few months and doin stuff again. like i finally gotten around to adding some more buttons, including that one sent to me via email. "will get back to you in 3-5 business months lol". also updated the 404 page, i might do some fun stuff with thatt page in the future.
im also kinda sick (sore throat and runny nose) while im doing these, i'll be fine in like a week or so. hopefully i can get into the habbit of updating more. honestly imma prob disappear at random again.
12am, Tuesday, Oct. 29, 2019
i am testing a user counter thing that has flags to display what country they are from, i think it kind of looks cool but i probably wont use it in the future.
for now it can be found at: experimental page
imma use this page for lots of future testing for random things as i figure out how i want to impliment them
2am Sept 29, yeah nothing here yet.
Sept 28, I've begun editing my site again... it's been a bit sense i started doing this again. It's fun to do this, I enjoy it. Not sure why I took a long break from my escape.
2am Sept 29, time to start building my blog page so i can make updates their instead of the home page.